DEFINITION OF EXERCISE...

the act or practice of employing something for a particular purpose <the observation that the              best exercise for losing weight is the exercise of one's ability to say no to food>


Jinkies, Velma! That sounds so easy.  What is my problem???  I think it is the ability to make ANY food a red light food. Cereal is an enemy...oh so yummy...and it fills my tummy.  I find myself gravitating to the kitchen and pulling out that tiny bowl and filling it with Honey Nut Cheerios and slicing up a yummy banana.  Oh my...and then pouring the milk over it.  The milk sloshing out as it hits the bananas.  It's pure heaven.  Crazy huh?  Have I lost my stinkin' mind? Cheerios?  Who binges on Cheerios?  sheeesh.  It sounds even goofier when I put it on paper.  


I did win a 3 month gym membership at a silent auction oh about a month ago.  Think I have been in to join? Heck no!  They will make fun of me and my blob-ish body.  And to top it off, I look like the ghost that Velma and Scooby are always looking for.  All out spot light white. Eeek.  I love Spring but it usually means I want to put on shorts and then I see the glare from the mirror and know that I need to hand out sunglasses to all those that encounter me.  


I have less than 6 weeks till I leave for San Diego to walk/run that Rock N Roll Half Marathon that I have half-%$@# trained for.  Oh my.  I am gonna be IN TROUBLE.  My dear hubby is already whining about the reason why I am going...but I have already made and paid for the plane tickets, got the time share lined up, ordered the rental car, paid the entrance fees for both me and my dear daughter.  Heck, all I have to do is show up.  And I am afraid I am going to find myself on the shag wagon hiding my head in shame with no bling around my neck. Oh my.


On a more positive note, I am excited about my Chi-Town vacation.  I hope to find a room mate.  I am a bit nervous about the whole room mate experience.  I haven't had a room mate since college.  I guess I have to take my own advice that I give to my own daughter.  It's going to be fine and you are gonna have so much fun.  I can't possibly think of anyplace more fun to go to (without family).  Lots of giggling and photo ops. I love, love, love being behind the camera lens. giggle.


I have my guinea pig follow-up visit tomorrow.  Where I squish myself into an ancient MRI machine-all for the sake of research.  They make you eat a "weighed" meal and then they show you pictures of food while you are squished in the MRI machine and your hand goes numb because you are a piece of human play doh.  But you have to be super still.  What?  Are you kidding me?  Then you get to take a memory quiz and some other misc. fun tasks.  But if it helps them find a way to shut the brain down so a person can be a normal weight...I am all for that.  :)  


I want to find myself at the gym on Thursday...keep your fingers crossed and the cheerios forever hidden.


Deb

stuck...

Dear Friends,

I have not blogged since having such a terrible fill experience.  I went in and got it adjusted down and it is too loose. I went in for my scheduled fill and they barely put anything in. So I have been frustrated to say the least. I have no restriction.  I can eat whatever I want. And I have been eating "off program" and now my weight is stagnant. I know it is my fault but I want the restriction. Heck, that is why I went thru all of this crap so it can help me stop...heck, make me puke it up if I overstuff. But it isn't.  I was talking to my dear hubby and he said that I need to go see a shrink to get past this plateau.  He has been getting mad at me because he thinks I am not putting myself first. That I will volunteer for all this stuff and do for everyone but myself. I would have to agree that I do it.  As I tried to explain to him I do that because I am an A to B person.  When I volunteer for something I have "A" reason or task.  And then within a reasonable period of time I reach "B" the end of the task and I get a great satisfaction for it.  Like I had no trouble with the 2 week liver shrinking diet.  I was on task and no cheating and I knew that I had to do it so I could have the surgery and it was easy peasy!  I could see the "B" or the end result. But with this journey I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the "B" concept. Because I am at a standstill with my weight and I am getting that "what the hell" it does not matter now.  I will start tomorrow..like it is some sort of diet.  But it isn't supposed to be a diet.  I am finding that you really can eat just about anything.  What restriction? I don't have any restriction. Hell, I can eat chocolate chip cookies, reese's peanut butter cups, and it's Easter and they have those in yummy bite size portions.  Heck, I looked at the Super All Ear Bunny at Wal-world and the whole bunny is 2400 calories.  That is 2-3 days worth of calories.  What the heck? That is crazy.  I have never been a candy type Easter Bunny gal tho. I got my dear daughter cool stuff that will last longer than candy and junk.  Ok I have digressed. But you get my drift.  With this yuckky plateau, I am stuck. 

The good news is I am wearing jeans that I have not been able to wear since my hysterectomy.  That is AWESOME!  It is a true NSV.  I could not get in for a fill until my "scheduled" appt. in 2 weeks so hopefully I don't do too much damage.  For the record I did go see the shrink affiliated with my surgeon and she was really nice and has given me some good tools to work with.  I am thankful for her suggestions.  I am supposed to get in touch with the nutritionist they work with and somehow try to get to the support groups, which I have not been able to do because of my daughters competitive volleyball schedule.  We are gone every weekend at tournaments.  Traveling has been hard on my baby band.  Poor little thing.  Eating at places called Hell's Kitchen in Minneapolis, IMO's in St. Louis, MO. We have to sample the cuisine in each city.  giggle.  Too bad it is not a "sample" I am eating. giggle. Maybe I would be doing better.  Enough whining...I am gonna meet all of y'all in Chicago and I hope, hope, hope that I am down a size or two before I meet all of y'all.  Maybe I just need to go on the 2 week liver shrinking diet and just fool myself until my next fill. Happy hugs friends.

D

Choke'N

I got my second fill yesterday. I told the doctor that I didn't have much restriction and that I wanted MORE.  I had not lost any weight from my first fill and so he went CrAzY and put 2 1/2 cc's in there. When I tried to drink the water it came back up. Eek.  So the nurse took out 1/2 a cc right then.  I thought I was ok.  But as the evening went on, it got worse. I was choking on my own spit.  Really?  Can that happen?  It was happening.  I didn't read that in the fine print. Being a newbie, I thought I was going to die..and thats when I became Linda Blair. I do have to say my hubby took it like champ. And we even got a giggle out of it all.  It was like "what the heck just happened?" Now I understand the baggie thing y'all talk about. It was awful. I called the nurse and there was nothing she could do.  She told me that I was going to miserable all night.  I wish at this time I would have had a banded mentor to help me thru the madness. It was the worse thing everrrrr.  But, I survived.  And thank goodness the nurse met me at the doctors office at 6AM and took out 1cc. I hate that I had to have fluid taken out but I just could not do it. I feel like a loser because I could not keep it all in.  Yet, the nurse tried to tell me that the doctor normally does not put that much in...so it was ok....maybe he was mad because I did not lose anything from my last visit (initial fill). I dunno.  


I hope that I manage to lose some weight since I had the fluid removed. :(  


As for a NSV:  I wore jeans this past weekend that I had not been able to wear since I had
my hx last year!!!  whooo hoooo!  Love it.

FiLLeR Up DoC

Friends I had my first fill and it was a piece of CAKE.  Well not an actual piece of cake. Gosh that sure sounds good. Like a piece of white wedding cake with creamy icing.  Oh my. I have digressed as usual.  This past week has been fantastic. Not having much restriction was kind of fun but I did not go crazy.  I had kind of plateaued with the weight loss and so I was so ready for the fill so we could get this party train started.  Funny thing is when I got on the scale this morning I was down 2 lbs. Finally.  So that makes a total of 30lbs.  The doctor was quite surprised I had lost any after my post-op appointment. He said that most people don't lose any during that healing time before the first fill. I lost 7.5lbs. So that was a happy surprise.  I was so frustrated because it was like one pound a week. I wanted it to be FASTER.  And hopefully now with some fluid, it will be.  I know it will be awhile until I get to the sweet spot. They fill it soooo slowly.  I think I only have like 5cc's and then in two weeks they add more.  I can tell a bit of a difference.  I won't really know until I eat real food on Wednesday. And I have been eating all real food up until this point.  I really have not been scared to eat real food. Now I am sure once I experience that food sticking thing, I will be more cautious. But for now, I just eat what I want.  


Now for the exercise. Someone needs to kick me in the butt.  Why oh Why can I not seem to get on that bus?  What makes it so hard?  Maybe it is the fact that I am trying to go off my estrogen and I am having some of the worse hot flashes. I feel like I have a small oven inside of my body.  I had the big H last year (yes I am young but boy it was the bestest decision ever) and was put on estrogen. I took it and really did not give it much thought but then I started reading (my first mistake) about all the horrible things synthetic estrogen can do. Soooo, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to quit cold turkey. And then when I thought things couldn't get worse I have an OB appt. tomorrow (which I totally spaced off and got the reminder call today) and so now I have to tell the doctor that I decided that I did have MD behind my name and that I know so much more than her, that I stopped my meds. Yup I can't wait to have that conversation tomorrow. Maybe she will be so pleased that my two ton belly looks a bit smaller and she will congratulate me on my loss and overlook my bad behavior.  


I dunno folks.  I just know that I need to get on the exercise wagon and of course I did not go to Stickk.com to bet against myself because I could not make up my mind if I was going to be Pro-Me or Pro-whatever.  Another one of my shortfalls, INDECISION.  It's a wonder I decided to go thru with this surgery because I was on the fence.  Worried sick.  But I did read this fabulous sign today:  The Majority of What You Worry About Today Never Happens.  Oh my goodness...so true.  Definitely words to live by from the number one worrier of the world.


Take care friends and good night.


D


P.S. - I did earn some brownie points today. My daughter noticed a lost dog up the street. The dog was from a town over from ours. I am not sure how he found his way here and why he decided to head east but he ended up on our street and my daughter and I bribed him with food to not be afraid of us and once he got over being afraid he jumped in my arms. It was the most awesome feeling ever.  Thank goodness he was chipped and so we were able to re-unite him to his family.  That chip thing really is a good thing.  :) So happy it worked out for little Shiloh. We temporarily named him Stewart (like Steward Little and his little adventures). 

NEW BLOG DESIGN...

Wowee my daughter rocked my world by creating this awesome blog spot for me.  It is amazing how teens just get in there and do it and don't worry about mistakes or how things might not work.  I need some of that gumption in my day to day world.  Just not caring if I am perfect, or if I make mistakes.  Another lesson learned from the young.  

I am in a much better place this week than last week.  Still have the volleyball drama. I had some stinkin' thinkin'. Although, with a bit of an attitude adjustment (on my part) and lots and lots of venting, I am more at peace with it all and can't let that stuff eat me alive. I noticed that my daughter wanted to "eat bad" to deal with her emotions one night. Uh Oh!  Not the example I want to pass on to my daughter. I hear the alarm bell ringing and I need to nip that in the bud quick.  

I did start my training for my 1/2 marathon. Who am I kidding?  All of one day..that is not gonna work. I am gonna find myself on the shag wagon.  And no race finish BLING. Ok, I admit, it's the medal at the end that I do all of this for.  The bigger the bling, the better.  I look to see what race has the best bling.  San Francisco has it topped off with a beefy fireman at the finish line with a one of a kind Tiffany necklace.  That's a gift worth running for. giggle. Back on the subject of staying with the exercise.  I do have a plan. Really. I was able to run for 30 minutes straight and I did not die.  I also had some entertainment. My husband doing Wii active and loved to watch him try to grapevine on the stepper. Oh my.  

I think I am going to try to motivate myself using Stickk.com.  I read about it in a magazine. I just have to decide what my motivator is going to be.  Will I give money to a charity or a person that I hate if I fall off the wagon?  Or to a charity I love that will benefit from my lack of structure?  I wonder how many bloggers in this blogosphere have tried this reverse mentality and bet against themselves.  

Next week I get my first fill. I am ready. I have no restriction and so I feel like I eat like I used too. Not as bad...It has been 8 weeks since a McDonalds hamburger or fries has crossed my lips. And I have to say I don't miss fast food at all!!!!  Now I have had McD iced tea.  And they made the "mistake" last week and gave me sweet tea and it was so yummy.  

Another long volleyball tournament day and my 18th anniversary are this weekend.  Hope to stay on track and will update all on the fill situation.  Oh and I lost another pound..whoooo hooo.  My dear daughter said she would update my ticker.  

Running is a lot like life. Only 10 percent of it is exciting. 90 percent of it is slog and drudge.  by David Bedford

D

Fighting my Inner Lucy

I need to get today off my chest. Because I wanna eat the kitchen because I feel out of control and unable to fix a problem. I am a "fixer" by nature or is it nuture? Not sure. But my dear daughter is in quite a predicament. And I want to "fix the wagon" of the perpertrator. The little she-devils are on my daughters competitive volleyball team. I will call the main perp Lucy for short..a lady lucifer...to make things easy. Lucy decides to lie to my daughter and try to get her to do her assigned job during the tourney so she could be queen bee for the day.My daughter calls her on the foul and finds out that Lucy was lying. She confronts Lucy and then comes to me in tears upset because she is not used to confrontation and bold face liars. It breaks my heart in two to know that this little Lucy is a user and so is her mother. During the entire tournament they bad mouth the coaches, the club owner and anyone that will listen. Yet, for some reason little Lucy always comes out smelling like a rose and getting her way.  Little Lucy throws attitude (all which has been noted by the coaches and the club owners) but yet they say she has "good hands". Lucy has them under her spell.  Lucy pouts, crys and literally throws fits on the court to get her way. We have one very young nerdy coach that is enamored by little Lucy that he can't see the tree through the forest. It is quite inappropriate that a 19 year old is so fond of this 15 year old but I guess that is our MTV world.  It is all so frustrating and makes me wanna eat the kitchen and all that is in it.  I am not sure what to do about little Lucy and her little wanna be satans...wait for the good to overcome evil I suppose.  But that is so hard!  Life lessons suck.  So here I am venting and hoping that one day I can forgive and forget about this fiasco and move on.  And not hit every drive thru window the rest of this week.

On a more positive note...I have not eaten the entire contents of the kitchen and I did not go overboard eating this weekend...even though I know that I don't have much (if any restriction) at all with my band. I know that next Monday will be the day that will change the future as Baby Lilly does her job the way she is supposed too. And helps me become the person that I want to become. Maybe I will also learn how to not be so controlling and let go and not try to fix everything.  This is going to be a long process. 

Oh and I did get a most wonderful comment from my daughter and my "adopted" daughter.  They said my face looked thinner today and that my jacket looked better cuz it was not tight anymore.  I can feel a difference in my clothes.  All a bonus. 

Now that I have vented, I don't need the refrigerator. And I don't need to be a bi&%$. That would be putting myself at the same level as Lucy and her mother. Right?? Only time will tell if I can be the better person and not let my inner Lucy take over.

May this week be better.

D

The Good Doctor

Today I went and saw the good doctor.  He is the "good doctor" because there are NO scales in his office. He is my ear specialist and he is the bomb diggity.  He was a bit of a meany because he had to dig around the tube in my ear and that made my ear ouchy. I did let out a tiny scream so the other patients would know that the room on the left was a torture room and to be happy they weren't placed in that room.  I did have lunch with my dear hubby afterwards and that made it a bit better.  I had my usual chicken salad while he noshed on chips and a brownie for dessert.  I am anxious about my upcoming "fill".   I want to feel a bit more restricted than I am now. I really feel like I can eat just about anything.  Yet I have not tempted the band goddess. As for my bands official name, I think I am going to keep the name Lilly (when she is being nice) and Lillian (when she is being not so nice).  Kind of like when your mom yells your entire name when you are in trouble. I may change her name to reflect a more "soprano-ish" kind of name.  I love the whole Italian thing...kind of jersey shore-ish. It could be that I am just jealous of their dark beautiful skin since I am a translucent pale white girl from the south.  I also like the idea of my lap-band coming from the country of Columbia.   So that would give "Lilly" a spanish accent like my friend Patricia.  I love listening to her talk. It is going to be another long tournament weekend...filled with nacho, pretzels, and hot dogs...I will be bringing my delish protein shakes to avoid the natural food disasters that await in the food courts of hell.  Here is to a food-tabulous weekend!