The Dizzie's STRIKE AGAIN!!

After all of this fabulous support I have been receiving I have been on the band wagon and logging all my foods on this groovy site called My Fitness Pal.  I love the feature that says...if your days look like this you will be this weight in 5 weeks or something like that. Love that!!

But alas, I have the dizzies again.  I have this crappy inner ear disease that loves to rear it's ugly head when I decide to "make a change" I am not kidding. It happens EVERY time.  If there were some way I could fool it and not let it know.  So off I went to the ER because they want to rule out stroke, heart attack etc...none of which I had.  And some weird infection called mastoiditis.  Something in the inner ear.  I have a shunt in there and maybe it can get clogged up or something. I dunno.  Anyway, so I spend the WHOLE morning and afternoon in there.  They give me an anti-biotic and some sort of anti-inflammatory via my buttocks and valium.  Which I have taken...and it does seem to be helping some.

OK. I am wayyyy off here but what I did after the hospital was have my mom go to Panera and get me some of that good mac and cheese.  I'm feeling kind of guilty but I did log it and I still have calories to spare.  It's just that mac and cheese is one of my comfort foods and when I got sick I turned to the easy peasy decision.  AGAIN.  Will I ever learn?  So folks...I'm swearing off mac and cheese for a while.  You read it...I'm sticking to it!!!  I am going to treat this blog like a confessional of sorts.  Imagine us sitting in a box and I am telling you the food sins I have committed.

Thank you dear friends for listening.  And if any of y'all do like to pray, I would ask for one to heal my inner ear again..without the need of more surgery...I will see my ear specialist tomorrow.  Until then..friends...I am off to sleep.

Dizzy Deb

THANKS! The REAL DEAL EXPOSED!

Holy Monkeys!  I wake up this morning and see all these fabulous BOOB friends have sent me messages of encouragement.  Oh my goodness.  It was like one big virtual HUG that I was not expecting at all.  I have a new surge of energy.  Weighed myself and I am ready to make that scale go down...little by little. And I loved KiKi's honesty about where she is in her journey.  I have to keep that in mind that I was on my way up before surgery...and not down.  And I am wearing clothes that I have not worn in 2 years.  Which is a huge NSV in my book and it keeps me out of the stores shopping.  I get to go shopping in the clear bins in the bottom of my closet. giggle.  

But at the same time I really took an inventory of why I am where I am and maybe my feelings of disappointment are with the choices I have made.  Ones that have kept me from the sweet success I wanted to feel.  And I don't like what I see when I really get real with it all.  I feel the need to get honest with y'all who have been so nice with your comments that I feel guilty that y'all feel bad for me.  I really don't deserve all your kindness but I APPRECIATE IT SOOOO MUCH! That it's time to GET REAL with myself and lay out my dirty dishes so the company can see them.  

(No one likes Dirty Dishes in their sink with company comes. giggle)

DEB'S DIRTY DISHES EXPOSED

1. Calories (I guess I thought I would not have to worry about em anymore because I was going to be eating so much less.) BIG OL' LIE.  Super yummy homemade mac and cheese...slides right on down with the 1 stick of butter I add to it. Which makes it a DELISH DISH. And FULL of calories. Even if it is just one cup. 

2. Exercise (Vacuuming my pool does not count even if it does take an hour.) 

3. I replaced Sprite with Sweet Tea and Sonic Strawberry Lemonades (all empty calories but they don't get stuck and give me feel good vibes..at least that is what I have been telling myself) HUGE LIE. Gasp!  Could it be I am addicted to SUGAR?  No way Jose!  Get off the bus Gus!

OK those are the biggies fellow BOOBS.  So no more feeling sorry for the fat girl.  Let's get busy and rock this weight off the right way.  This band is a TOOL.  I have been using it like a screwdriver when I really need a hammer.  (Screwing myself with bad choices instead of hammering the bad habits out)

Thanks to all of you for lifting me up and making me get HONEST about this crap. I can only be disappointed in the choices I have been making.  And it can work right.  If I treat it right.  She (the band) has helped me lose 30+ pounds when I treat her right.   I hope y'all know how much you have encouraged me in just one night.  To get real.  I owe each one of y'all a huge ol' hug and I will see y'all in Chi-Town.

Lots of love to all,

D

Disappointed

I guess that is the best word to describe what I am feeling.  Here it is 6 months after my surgery and I have only lost 30lbs.  Most of that was lost in the beginning.  I have fluctuated down to 40lbs and then I will bouce right back up again.  I guess I thought that this would be sooo easy. I would eat one cup of food and that would be all that I could eat and then I would push myself away from the table and bam! The weight would disappear.  I guess that isn't what happens.  I must have over-eaten or ate something yuckky for a bit because my band got all squirrelly and I was throwing up all the time.  It actually felt good to throw it back up because it was so tight and squeezy that it hurt.  Bad.  So throwing up was the best option. I was getting pretty gosh darn good at it.  But then I started worrying about slippage etc..so I called the doctor and they removed a tiny bit of fluid to get the 'swelling' and irritation to go away.  My hubby is 'confused'. He thought I would be slim and svelte by now and now that I'm not, the questions are starting to come from him.  Can you eat that?  Why are you eating that? Shouldn't you only be eating a cup? How come you can eat more than a cup? How did you eat that?  etc...which only depresses me more because I realize that I am a band failure.  How embarrassing is that?  I want to hide in shame because everyone is looking at me wondering what in the hell I must be eating to still be FAT after the surgery.  And even my  mom jumped on the band wagon and said that she looks at my success and does not think she will have the surgery.  I guess I don't look like much of a success story.  Definately won't be seeing my picture on the before and after screen at the doctor.  Oh my.  I stopped blogging.  Stopped everything...hiding.  Yup, that is what I have been doing is hiding.  Hiding from my own failure that looks at me every time I see a mirror.  Drazil sent me an email asking for my input on other bloggers...heck...I haven't even so much as opened a blog.  Too much to accept right now. I had such high hopes.  And that conference that I was soooo excited about attending. Ha!!!  Good gravy.  That would be a bomb.  Who wants to be in the presence of a band gone wrong?  Eeek!

I know I am venting...to no one I suppose...which is good. So glad I did not tell ALL my friends about my blog.  Do I try yet another DIET since the band is not working?  I dunno.  It is messing with my head for sure. 

I am gonna read some of those blogs I guess.  Maybe, just maybe, there is a tool or technique missed. 

D