I guess that is the best word to describe what I am feeling. Here it is 6 months after my surgery and I have only lost 30lbs. Most of that was lost in the beginning. I have fluctuated down to 40lbs and then I will bouce right back up again. I guess I thought that this would be sooo easy. I would eat one cup of food and that would be all that I could eat and then I would push myself away from the table and bam! The weight would disappear. I guess that isn't what happens. I must have over-eaten or ate something yuckky for a bit because my band got all squirrelly and I was throwing up all the time. It actually felt good to throw it back up because it was so tight and squeezy that it hurt. Bad. So throwing up was the best option. I was getting pretty gosh darn good at it. But then I started worrying about slippage etc..so I called the doctor and they removed a tiny bit of fluid to get the 'swelling' and irritation to go away. My hubby is 'confused'. He thought I would be slim and svelte by now and now that I'm not, the questions are starting to come from him. Can you eat that? Why are you eating that? Shouldn't you only be eating a cup? How come you can eat more than a cup? How did you eat that? etc...which only depresses me more because I realize that I am a band failure. How embarrassing is that? I want to hide in shame because everyone is looking at me wondering what in the hell I must be eating to still be FAT after the surgery. And even my mom jumped on the band wagon and said that she looks at my success and does not think she will have the surgery. I guess I don't look like much of a success story. Definately won't be seeing my picture on the before and after screen at the doctor. Oh my. I stopped blogging. Stopped everything...hiding. Yup, that is what I have been doing is hiding. Hiding from my own failure that looks at me every time I see a mirror. Drazil sent me an email asking for my input on other bloggers...heck...I haven't even so much as opened a blog. Too much to accept right now. I had such high hopes. And that conference that I was soooo excited about attending. Ha!!! Good gravy. That would be a bomb. Who wants to be in the presence of a band gone wrong? Eeek!
I know I am venting...to no one I suppose...which is good. So glad I did not tell ALL my friends about my blog. Do I try yet another DIET since the band is not working? I dunno. It is messing with my head for sure.
I am gonna read some of those blogs I guess. Maybe, just maybe, there is a tool or technique missed.