My Inner Paula Deen

Not exactly what a band-er needs to be cooking. But oh my gosh I love to make fun food.  Who can resist Goblin Chocolate Cake Balls? Mmmm...They were a thank you to high school kiddos that were so nice when I was a substitute teacher.  I love subbing.  Or should I say I love subb-ing in the high school.  I am not feeling the love at the elementary level.  Those teachers should make a six figure income with what they have to put up with every day.

As for my lap band journey. I fell off the wagon and indulged in the land of good and plenty and ate "plenty" of the wrong things.  These past few months.  Today, I met with my doctor and we developed a PLAN OF ACTION that I think is do-able. I went in today for another fill and so far so good.  I also have started losing weight again. (Per the weigh in at the doctors office.I have been avoiding the scale like the plague) whooo hooo!  People have FINALLY stopped asking me how much I have lost. They can probably tell I haven't lost any or just got tired of asking and me saying...I am at a plateau.  Either way, I am very happy that they stopped asking. 

With the new teaching gig I got to purchase some new clothes. That was fun since that I am in a smaller size now.  Unfortunately, they stretched a bit and I should have purchased even one size smaller.  If I stay on track, I won't be able to wear them for long.  What a great problem!  

I am thinking of running the SANTA RUN this December to stay motivated to exercise.  I also got this silly flyer in the mail about a gym doing a $12.99 per month deal.  It is "for reals" because one of my friends took advantage of it...so I am too.  Gyms are probably one of my least favorite places.  But for $12.99 (less than a meal) I can't resist.  I talked to the owner and he said he did it because another gym in town was going to do it so he beat them to the punch and offered the special deal before them.  I don't care who did what first..I just want the great deal.  

To finish off my blog...I couldn't resist another food creation. I made them for my daughters Varsity Volleyball Team tourney.  We are the Eagles. (If you couldn't tell)

Hugs to all...Deb

About Me...for the fellow Boobs

Title: BOOBs 2011 Fun Facts!

1. How did you pick your blog name?

Well...I think by nature I am a bit Ditzy...and kind of dizzy...I have an inner ear disease and so that naturally makes me hearing impaired and a bit balanced challenged.  Which can be quite funny. I find myself laughing at myself all the time.  What I hear and what people say are not always the same thing so hopefully most of y’all will have as good a sense of humor as I do about it...I guess I chose the name so that I would view it as a diary and not so much a blog.  

1. When did you start blogging?

When I decided to have the surgery...Not long.  I am TERRIBLE at it.  I don’t blog regularly and I have never shared it with any of my face to face friends. My hubby has never even read it!  

1. Theme of blog (weight loss, finances, beauty, etc)

Probably mostly weight loss...struggles...insecurities...oh my gosh, I sound so depressing.  I may start writing about cupcakes...something more fun!

1. Did you go to BOOBs 2010?

No.

1. When were you banded?

January 25, 2011

1. How much have you lost?

Not much...35lbs...I am not a good loser.  Still learning and changed doctors for more help with using it as a better tool.  Still love the nectar of the Gods, Sweet Tea.  

1. What are you most looking forward to at BOOBs?

Meeting gals that are like me.  And enjoying being around people that have the same struggles, success, and getting out on my own a bit. I live mostly for my family. Whom I ADORE.  But I find I put them FIRST and rarely do “me” stuff. In fact, the big question from hubby and my own momma is...are you really going to be able to travel on your own?  Are you kidding me? I’m 43!!!  But, I have not been out and about on my own since being married. How weird is that...(18 years folks).  I want to laugh and be silly.  Bring out that inner goof ball.  And not be worried about my size and what everyone is thinking.  

1. What/who do you hope to find/see/accomplish at BOOBs 2011?

I wanna do the things I wanna do. I was in Chicago this past July for a volleyball tournament on Navy Pier and all I saw was the inside of the gym for 4 straight days. The only thing I got to do was ride a boat and the ferris wheel (and I had to do both of those without my daughter because she was playing) 

I wanna make new friends..find out their secrets.  Win a prize because I know there are always prizes. giggle! Wear a fun outfit.  Laugh at something naughty.  Learn some new eating tricks.  Find a fun bestie from another state.  Take a 1,000 pictures. Eat something new.  Walk a million steps.  Meet some of the fantastic bloggers that are my Blog Idols.  Love Drazil...she is the most amazing writer.  Love Steph Joy...she inspires me to do better...

Oh my I could go on and on!

1. Children? Pets?

I have one Daughter (giggle! I love her to pieces...She is the cats meow.) We have a dog named Hunter. He is a yellow lab that is lazier than me.  He also is afraid of the water. Maybe that's why he was a cast away at the shelter. And we have a cat named Maisy Mae. Who is the biggest cuddler in the world.  She looks like a mini cow. 

1. Who is your roomie?

Someone I have NEVER met.  How awesome is that?  Her name is Rebekah (love the spelling of her name) and Angie.  I have only talked to Rebekah but she is friends with Angie.  So I am sure we will have lots of fun.  They are younger than me so hopefully they will keep me up past my normal bedtime. 

1. Hobbies?

Photography....I have a website of some of my work...www.tickled-pinkphotography.com.  Who has time for hobbies when you have a teenager?

1. Career?

Domestic Goddess...keeper of the home.  CEO, taxi driver, chef, cheerleader, maid, volunteer, wife, mother....

1. Single? Married? In a relationship?

Married...18 years. 

1. Your birthday month?

August

1. What do you want other BOOBs to know about you?

I can be silly.  Spontaneous. Love trying new things.  Seeing new things. Have a bit of a dare-devil side to me.  eeek!  Looking forward to meeting all of y’all!

D

To Go Or Not To Go...the 25th Reunion

Well friends I had to make the decision to go to my 25th high school reunion.  And being a bit fluffy I was feeling a bit intimidated about the whole deal.  No one likes to be the fatty at the reunion...but I rested in comfort knowing that people don't judge me now (and are my friends) in my current state of fatness.  So, I put on my big girl panties (literally) and decided to go.  I actually had a pretty good time.  I took a few friends (including my daughter).  It was an open outdoor event with 4 schools in our district attending and it was open for multiple graduating years.  It was a public venue and I knew the people in the band so I took my entourage (of courage) and we actually had a great time and I was able to introduce my daughter to some of my best high school friends.  I actually allowed for my picture to be taken!  Good gravy what is the world coming too? I just want to say with my new badge of courage, I am ready to meet all of y'all in Chicago!

Happy hugs friends,
D

Hotter than HELLo Kitty! Finally a PIC of ME

Now that is one hot tamale and I am not talking about ME!  It would be one thing if we lived in Arizona or some desert hell but no, we live in Missouri.  You would think with all of the sweating I am doing I would be losing weight.  But my fingers feel like small round sausages.  My dear daughter wanted me to lay out with her today by the swamp.  (my pool) I am not feeling the swamp calling my name today.  It is a light shade of green.  Almost looks like toxic waste.  And it is like bath water.  

I went to the store today and got all the goodies the dietician suggested to make my band "my friend".  I have to wait until the 11th to get it squeezy tight again.  So right now I could probably eat a big mac just fine.  Not that I really would want too. I imagine I would vomit it up just from my body saying NO WAY JOSE.  In fact, when we are traveling I have tried on several occasions to eat McD just to be easy with the family and EVERY time I throw it up.  Wonder if anyone else has that problem. It's like the makers of the LAP BAND put some sort of chemical in it that makes McDonalds come right back up.  But I can eat a Krispy Kreme Kruller.  What gives I wonder?  

I saw a post that said we need to post more pics of ourselves so y'all can get a better idea of who they are looking for.  A friend of mine took some pics of us at dinner.  Not great clarity but enough you get the idea.  I hope one day to be in the front of the picture instead of always using my family has the human shield.  Like people don't know I am fat...my goodness.  It just feels so natural to be in the back...hiding.  I can't wait to pose like my dear daughter does.  Hand on hip and big ol smile on her face.  All 5' 10 1/2 inches of her.  And she still is growing.  I digressed.  

I want that picture standing next to her...proud...not judging myself for my belly or double chins (notice I said chins).  I am a photographer (semi-pro...) and I love being BEHIND the camera.  And I get so frustrated with clients when they talk about how "fat" they look.  I never see it in other people.  Just myself.  I see happy family moments and I don't focus on if they have a double chin or what not.  Why can't I do that for me???  I'm ready for that confidence.  Bring it on "lap band friend"!

So here you go folks...a pic of me and my family...(and I am not sure what happened to my husbands eyes.)

Love,

D

Sometimes You Just Gotta Ask for Help

I just love reading some of y'alls blogs..so full of life and energy.  Especially those of y'all that have reached your goals and are having the time of your life with the energy that you need to do all the things you want to do.  Sometimes I get so jealous.  Isn't that crazy?  I feel like such a loser because I haven't met the goals I set out to reach by now.  Most of it is because of my own bad choices.  I know...and some of it is I have not become "friends with my band".  Whatever....

So I reached out to someone that I don't know very well and they actually came through.  Most primary care doctors usually don't listen but my doctor did.  And I got a very uplifting phone call from a dietician and she offered so much support and is ready and willing to walk me thru this process.  It's like my doctor that did my surgery was really gung ho to do the surgery but the follow-up is not really his deal.  And so I get fills and un-fills and fills and un-fills just kind of flailing about with my weight yo-yoing all over the place.

I really feel confident that I am going to get back on the right track.  I don't know why...but I just feel like I was thrown a life jacket.  And I have been trying to keep up with the local "boobettes" that I will get to meet in Chicago.  I am very, very excited.  It is like things are finally maybe gonna click for me.  Yipeeee!  Skippeeee!

And it is going to be 107 degrees tomorrow!  Holy Monkeys..will the weather ever be "normal"?  My pool looks like a swamp right now.  Green and SLIMY.  YUCK!!  With that I decided a new form of exercise at the urging of my dear daughter.  Really...what was she thinking? She probably wasn't thinking...All she has on her mind is driving.  (Dear Daughter is on the right..with her best friend that got her license the same day).

With all the butt kicks, mountain climbers, suicides, jumping jacks...I lost the oxygen to my brain. (I guess I thought if I could survive riding in the car with her that I could surely handle Shaun from INSANITY.)  I had enough after 20 minutes.  I told my hubby that our dear daughter had suggested this.  He laughed. I told him that I was going back to the fake people on the Wii. Even though I feel kind of stupid racing a plastic looking weeble-wabble.

But on a positive note, I got rid of the dizzies...it was just a temporary set-back with my inner ear disease.
Thanks for all the good vibes that came my way.

D

The Dizzie's STRIKE AGAIN!!

After all of this fabulous support I have been receiving I have been on the band wagon and logging all my foods on this groovy site called My Fitness Pal.  I love the feature that says...if your days look like this you will be this weight in 5 weeks or something like that. Love that!!

But alas, I have the dizzies again.  I have this crappy inner ear disease that loves to rear it's ugly head when I decide to "make a change" I am not kidding. It happens EVERY time.  If there were some way I could fool it and not let it know.  So off I went to the ER because they want to rule out stroke, heart attack etc...none of which I had.  And some weird infection called mastoiditis.  Something in the inner ear.  I have a shunt in there and maybe it can get clogged up or something. I dunno.  Anyway, so I spend the WHOLE morning and afternoon in there.  They give me an anti-biotic and some sort of anti-inflammatory via my buttocks and valium.  Which I have taken...and it does seem to be helping some.

OK. I am wayyyy off here but what I did after the hospital was have my mom go to Panera and get me some of that good mac and cheese.  I'm feeling kind of guilty but I did log it and I still have calories to spare.  It's just that mac and cheese is one of my comfort foods and when I got sick I turned to the easy peasy decision.  AGAIN.  Will I ever learn?  So folks...I'm swearing off mac and cheese for a while.  You read it...I'm sticking to it!!!  I am going to treat this blog like a confessional of sorts.  Imagine us sitting in a box and I am telling you the food sins I have committed.

Thank you dear friends for listening.  And if any of y'all do like to pray, I would ask for one to heal my inner ear again..without the need of more surgery...I will see my ear specialist tomorrow.  Until then..friends...I am off to sleep.

Dizzy Deb

THANKS! The REAL DEAL EXPOSED!

Holy Monkeys!  I wake up this morning and see all these fabulous BOOB friends have sent me messages of encouragement.  Oh my goodness.  It was like one big virtual HUG that I was not expecting at all.  I have a new surge of energy.  Weighed myself and I am ready to make that scale go down...little by little. And I loved KiKi's honesty about where she is in her journey.  I have to keep that in mind that I was on my way up before surgery...and not down.  And I am wearing clothes that I have not worn in 2 years.  Which is a huge NSV in my book and it keeps me out of the stores shopping.  I get to go shopping in the clear bins in the bottom of my closet. giggle.  

But at the same time I really took an inventory of why I am where I am and maybe my feelings of disappointment are with the choices I have made.  Ones that have kept me from the sweet success I wanted to feel.  And I don't like what I see when I really get real with it all.  I feel the need to get honest with y'all who have been so nice with your comments that I feel guilty that y'all feel bad for me.  I really don't deserve all your kindness but I APPRECIATE IT SOOOO MUCH! That it's time to GET REAL with myself and lay out my dirty dishes so the company can see them.  

(No one likes Dirty Dishes in their sink with company comes. giggle)

DEB'S DIRTY DISHES EXPOSED

1. Calories (I guess I thought I would not have to worry about em anymore because I was going to be eating so much less.) BIG OL' LIE.  Super yummy homemade mac and cheese...slides right on down with the 1 stick of butter I add to it. Which makes it a DELISH DISH. And FULL of calories. Even if it is just one cup. 

2. Exercise (Vacuuming my pool does not count even if it does take an hour.) 

3. I replaced Sprite with Sweet Tea and Sonic Strawberry Lemonades (all empty calories but they don't get stuck and give me feel good vibes..at least that is what I have been telling myself) HUGE LIE. Gasp!  Could it be I am addicted to SUGAR?  No way Jose!  Get off the bus Gus!

OK those are the biggies fellow BOOBS.  So no more feeling sorry for the fat girl.  Let's get busy and rock this weight off the right way.  This band is a TOOL.  I have been using it like a screwdriver when I really need a hammer.  (Screwing myself with bad choices instead of hammering the bad habits out)

Thanks to all of you for lifting me up and making me get HONEST about this crap. I can only be disappointed in the choices I have been making.  And it can work right.  If I treat it right.  She (the band) has helped me lose 30+ pounds when I treat her right.   I hope y'all know how much you have encouraged me in just one night.  To get real.  I owe each one of y'all a huge ol' hug and I will see y'all in Chi-Town.

Lots of love to all,

D

Disappointed

I guess that is the best word to describe what I am feeling.  Here it is 6 months after my surgery and I have only lost 30lbs.  Most of that was lost in the beginning.  I have fluctuated down to 40lbs and then I will bouce right back up again.  I guess I thought that this would be sooo easy. I would eat one cup of food and that would be all that I could eat and then I would push myself away from the table and bam! The weight would disappear.  I guess that isn't what happens.  I must have over-eaten or ate something yuckky for a bit because my band got all squirrelly and I was throwing up all the time.  It actually felt good to throw it back up because it was so tight and squeezy that it hurt.  Bad.  So throwing up was the best option. I was getting pretty gosh darn good at it.  But then I started worrying about slippage etc..so I called the doctor and they removed a tiny bit of fluid to get the 'swelling' and irritation to go away.  My hubby is 'confused'. He thought I would be slim and svelte by now and now that I'm not, the questions are starting to come from him.  Can you eat that?  Why are you eating that? Shouldn't you only be eating a cup? How come you can eat more than a cup? How did you eat that?  etc...which only depresses me more because I realize that I am a band failure.  How embarrassing is that?  I want to hide in shame because everyone is looking at me wondering what in the hell I must be eating to still be FAT after the surgery.  And even my  mom jumped on the band wagon and said that she looks at my success and does not think she will have the surgery.  I guess I don't look like much of a success story.  Definately won't be seeing my picture on the before and after screen at the doctor.  Oh my.  I stopped blogging.  Stopped everything...hiding.  Yup, that is what I have been doing is hiding.  Hiding from my own failure that looks at me every time I see a mirror.  Drazil sent me an email asking for my input on other bloggers...heck...I haven't even so much as opened a blog.  Too much to accept right now. I had such high hopes.  And that conference that I was soooo excited about attending. Ha!!!  Good gravy.  That would be a bomb.  Who wants to be in the presence of a band gone wrong?  Eeek!

I know I am venting...to no one I suppose...which is good. So glad I did not tell ALL my friends about my blog.  Do I try yet another DIET since the band is not working?  I dunno.  It is messing with my head for sure. 

I am gonna read some of those blogs I guess.  Maybe, just maybe, there is a tool or technique missed. 

D

DEFINITION OF EXERCISE...

the act or practice of employing something for a particular purpose <the observation that the              best exercise for losing weight is the exercise of one's ability to say no to food>


Jinkies, Velma! That sounds so easy.  What is my problem???  I think it is the ability to make ANY food a red light food. Cereal is an enemy...oh so yummy...and it fills my tummy.  I find myself gravitating to the kitchen and pulling out that tiny bowl and filling it with Honey Nut Cheerios and slicing up a yummy banana.  Oh my...and then pouring the milk over it.  The milk sloshing out as it hits the bananas.  It's pure heaven.  Crazy huh?  Have I lost my stinkin' mind? Cheerios?  Who binges on Cheerios?  sheeesh.  It sounds even goofier when I put it on paper.  


I did win a 3 month gym membership at a silent auction oh about a month ago.  Think I have been in to join? Heck no!  They will make fun of me and my blob-ish body.  And to top it off, I look like the ghost that Velma and Scooby are always looking for.  All out spot light white. Eeek.  I love Spring but it usually means I want to put on shorts and then I see the glare from the mirror and know that I need to hand out sunglasses to all those that encounter me.  


I have less than 6 weeks till I leave for San Diego to walk/run that Rock N Roll Half Marathon that I have half-%$@# trained for.  Oh my.  I am gonna be IN TROUBLE.  My dear hubby is already whining about the reason why I am going...but I have already made and paid for the plane tickets, got the time share lined up, ordered the rental car, paid the entrance fees for both me and my dear daughter.  Heck, all I have to do is show up.  And I am afraid I am going to find myself on the shag wagon hiding my head in shame with no bling around my neck. Oh my.


On a more positive note, I am excited about my Chi-Town vacation.  I hope to find a room mate.  I am a bit nervous about the whole room mate experience.  I haven't had a room mate since college.  I guess I have to take my own advice that I give to my own daughter.  It's going to be fine and you are gonna have so much fun.  I can't possibly think of anyplace more fun to go to (without family).  Lots of giggling and photo ops. I love, love, love being behind the camera lens. giggle.


I have my guinea pig follow-up visit tomorrow.  Where I squish myself into an ancient MRI machine-all for the sake of research.  They make you eat a "weighed" meal and then they show you pictures of food while you are squished in the MRI machine and your hand goes numb because you are a piece of human play doh.  But you have to be super still.  What?  Are you kidding me?  Then you get to take a memory quiz and some other misc. fun tasks.  But if it helps them find a way to shut the brain down so a person can be a normal weight...I am all for that.  :)  


I want to find myself at the gym on Thursday...keep your fingers crossed and the cheerios forever hidden.


Deb

stuck...

Dear Friends,

I have not blogged since having such a terrible fill experience.  I went in and got it adjusted down and it is too loose. I went in for my scheduled fill and they barely put anything in. So I have been frustrated to say the least. I have no restriction.  I can eat whatever I want. And I have been eating "off program" and now my weight is stagnant. I know it is my fault but I want the restriction. Heck, that is why I went thru all of this crap so it can help me stop...heck, make me puke it up if I overstuff. But it isn't.  I was talking to my dear hubby and he said that I need to go see a shrink to get past this plateau.  He has been getting mad at me because he thinks I am not putting myself first. That I will volunteer for all this stuff and do for everyone but myself. I would have to agree that I do it.  As I tried to explain to him I do that because I am an A to B person.  When I volunteer for something I have "A" reason or task.  And then within a reasonable period of time I reach "B" the end of the task and I get a great satisfaction for it.  Like I had no trouble with the 2 week liver shrinking diet.  I was on task and no cheating and I knew that I had to do it so I could have the surgery and it was easy peasy!  I could see the "B" or the end result. But with this journey I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the "B" concept. Because I am at a standstill with my weight and I am getting that "what the hell" it does not matter now.  I will start tomorrow..like it is some sort of diet.  But it isn't supposed to be a diet.  I am finding that you really can eat just about anything.  What restriction? I don't have any restriction. Hell, I can eat chocolate chip cookies, reese's peanut butter cups, and it's Easter and they have those in yummy bite size portions.  Heck, I looked at the Super All Ear Bunny at Wal-world and the whole bunny is 2400 calories.  That is 2-3 days worth of calories.  What the heck? That is crazy.  I have never been a candy type Easter Bunny gal tho. I got my dear daughter cool stuff that will last longer than candy and junk.  Ok I have digressed. But you get my drift.  With this yuckky plateau, I am stuck. 

The good news is I am wearing jeans that I have not been able to wear since my hysterectomy.  That is AWESOME!  It is a true NSV.  I could not get in for a fill until my "scheduled" appt. in 2 weeks so hopefully I don't do too much damage.  For the record I did go see the shrink affiliated with my surgeon and she was really nice and has given me some good tools to work with.  I am thankful for her suggestions.  I am supposed to get in touch with the nutritionist they work with and somehow try to get to the support groups, which I have not been able to do because of my daughters competitive volleyball schedule.  We are gone every weekend at tournaments.  Traveling has been hard on my baby band.  Poor little thing.  Eating at places called Hell's Kitchen in Minneapolis, IMO's in St. Louis, MO. We have to sample the cuisine in each city.  giggle.  Too bad it is not a "sample" I am eating. giggle. Maybe I would be doing better.  Enough whining...I am gonna meet all of y'all in Chicago and I hope, hope, hope that I am down a size or two before I meet all of y'all.  Maybe I just need to go on the 2 week liver shrinking diet and just fool myself until my next fill. Happy hugs friends.

D

Choke'N

I got my second fill yesterday. I told the doctor that I didn't have much restriction and that I wanted MORE.  I had not lost any weight from my first fill and so he went CrAzY and put 2 1/2 cc's in there. When I tried to drink the water it came back up. Eek.  So the nurse took out 1/2 a cc right then.  I thought I was ok.  But as the evening went on, it got worse. I was choking on my own spit.  Really?  Can that happen?  It was happening.  I didn't read that in the fine print. Being a newbie, I thought I was going to die..and thats when I became Linda Blair. I do have to say my hubby took it like champ. And we even got a giggle out of it all.  It was like "what the heck just happened?" Now I understand the baggie thing y'all talk about. It was awful. I called the nurse and there was nothing she could do.  She told me that I was going to miserable all night.  I wish at this time I would have had a banded mentor to help me thru the madness. It was the worse thing everrrrr.  But, I survived.  And thank goodness the nurse met me at the doctors office at 6AM and took out 1cc. I hate that I had to have fluid taken out but I just could not do it. I feel like a loser because I could not keep it all in.  Yet, the nurse tried to tell me that the doctor normally does not put that much in...so it was ok....maybe he was mad because I did not lose anything from my last visit (initial fill). I dunno.  


I hope that I manage to lose some weight since I had the fluid removed. :(  


As for a NSV:  I wore jeans this past weekend that I had not been able to wear since I had
my hx last year!!!  whooo hoooo!  Love it.

FiLLeR Up DoC

Friends I had my first fill and it was a piece of CAKE.  Well not an actual piece of cake. Gosh that sure sounds good. Like a piece of white wedding cake with creamy icing.  Oh my. I have digressed as usual.  This past week has been fantastic. Not having much restriction was kind of fun but I did not go crazy.  I had kind of plateaued with the weight loss and so I was so ready for the fill so we could get this party train started.  Funny thing is when I got on the scale this morning I was down 2 lbs. Finally.  So that makes a total of 30lbs.  The doctor was quite surprised I had lost any after my post-op appointment. He said that most people don't lose any during that healing time before the first fill. I lost 7.5lbs. So that was a happy surprise.  I was so frustrated because it was like one pound a week. I wanted it to be FASTER.  And hopefully now with some fluid, it will be.  I know it will be awhile until I get to the sweet spot. They fill it soooo slowly.  I think I only have like 5cc's and then in two weeks they add more.  I can tell a bit of a difference.  I won't really know until I eat real food on Wednesday. And I have been eating all real food up until this point.  I really have not been scared to eat real food. Now I am sure once I experience that food sticking thing, I will be more cautious. But for now, I just eat what I want.  


Now for the exercise. Someone needs to kick me in the butt.  Why oh Why can I not seem to get on that bus?  What makes it so hard?  Maybe it is the fact that I am trying to go off my estrogen and I am having some of the worse hot flashes. I feel like I have a small oven inside of my body.  I had the big H last year (yes I am young but boy it was the bestest decision ever) and was put on estrogen. I took it and really did not give it much thought but then I started reading (my first mistake) about all the horrible things synthetic estrogen can do. Soooo, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to quit cold turkey. And then when I thought things couldn't get worse I have an OB appt. tomorrow (which I totally spaced off and got the reminder call today) and so now I have to tell the doctor that I decided that I did have MD behind my name and that I know so much more than her, that I stopped my meds. Yup I can't wait to have that conversation tomorrow. Maybe she will be so pleased that my two ton belly looks a bit smaller and she will congratulate me on my loss and overlook my bad behavior.  


I dunno folks.  I just know that I need to get on the exercise wagon and of course I did not go to Stickk.com to bet against myself because I could not make up my mind if I was going to be Pro-Me or Pro-whatever.  Another one of my shortfalls, INDECISION.  It's a wonder I decided to go thru with this surgery because I was on the fence.  Worried sick.  But I did read this fabulous sign today:  The Majority of What You Worry About Today Never Happens.  Oh my goodness...so true.  Definitely words to live by from the number one worrier of the world.


Take care friends and good night.


D


P.S. - I did earn some brownie points today. My daughter noticed a lost dog up the street. The dog was from a town over from ours. I am not sure how he found his way here and why he decided to head east but he ended up on our street and my daughter and I bribed him with food to not be afraid of us and once he got over being afraid he jumped in my arms. It was the most awesome feeling ever.  Thank goodness he was chipped and so we were able to re-unite him to his family.  That chip thing really is a good thing.  :) So happy it worked out for little Shiloh. We temporarily named him Stewart (like Steward Little and his little adventures). 

NEW BLOG DESIGN...

Wowee my daughter rocked my world by creating this awesome blog spot for me.  It is amazing how teens just get in there and do it and don't worry about mistakes or how things might not work.  I need some of that gumption in my day to day world.  Just not caring if I am perfect, or if I make mistakes.  Another lesson learned from the young.  

I am in a much better place this week than last week.  Still have the volleyball drama. I had some stinkin' thinkin'. Although, with a bit of an attitude adjustment (on my part) and lots and lots of venting, I am more at peace with it all and can't let that stuff eat me alive. I noticed that my daughter wanted to "eat bad" to deal with her emotions one night. Uh Oh!  Not the example I want to pass on to my daughter. I hear the alarm bell ringing and I need to nip that in the bud quick.  

I did start my training for my 1/2 marathon. Who am I kidding?  All of one day..that is not gonna work. I am gonna find myself on the shag wagon.  And no race finish BLING. Ok, I admit, it's the medal at the end that I do all of this for.  The bigger the bling, the better.  I look to see what race has the best bling.  San Francisco has it topped off with a beefy fireman at the finish line with a one of a kind Tiffany necklace.  That's a gift worth running for. giggle. Back on the subject of staying with the exercise.  I do have a plan. Really. I was able to run for 30 minutes straight and I did not die.  I also had some entertainment. My husband doing Wii active and loved to watch him try to grapevine on the stepper. Oh my.  

I think I am going to try to motivate myself using Stickk.com.  I read about it in a magazine. I just have to decide what my motivator is going to be.  Will I give money to a charity or a person that I hate if I fall off the wagon?  Or to a charity I love that will benefit from my lack of structure?  I wonder how many bloggers in this blogosphere have tried this reverse mentality and bet against themselves.  

Next week I get my first fill. I am ready. I have no restriction and so I feel like I eat like I used too. Not as bad...It has been 8 weeks since a McDonalds hamburger or fries has crossed my lips. And I have to say I don't miss fast food at all!!!!  Now I have had McD iced tea.  And they made the "mistake" last week and gave me sweet tea and it was so yummy.  

Another long volleyball tournament day and my 18th anniversary are this weekend.  Hope to stay on track and will update all on the fill situation.  Oh and I lost another pound..whoooo hooo.  My dear daughter said she would update my ticker.  

Running is a lot like life. Only 10 percent of it is exciting. 90 percent of it is slog and drudge.  by David Bedford

D

Fighting my Inner Lucy

I need to get today off my chest. Because I wanna eat the kitchen because I feel out of control and unable to fix a problem. I am a "fixer" by nature or is it nuture? Not sure. But my dear daughter is in quite a predicament. And I want to "fix the wagon" of the perpertrator. The little she-devils are on my daughters competitive volleyball team. I will call the main perp Lucy for short..a lady lucifer...to make things easy. Lucy decides to lie to my daughter and try to get her to do her assigned job during the tourney so she could be queen bee for the day.My daughter calls her on the foul and finds out that Lucy was lying. She confronts Lucy and then comes to me in tears upset because she is not used to confrontation and bold face liars. It breaks my heart in two to know that this little Lucy is a user and so is her mother. During the entire tournament they bad mouth the coaches, the club owner and anyone that will listen. Yet, for some reason little Lucy always comes out smelling like a rose and getting her way.  Little Lucy throws attitude (all which has been noted by the coaches and the club owners) but yet they say she has "good hands". Lucy has them under her spell.  Lucy pouts, crys and literally throws fits on the court to get her way. We have one very young nerdy coach that is enamored by little Lucy that he can't see the tree through the forest. It is quite inappropriate that a 19 year old is so fond of this 15 year old but I guess that is our MTV world.  It is all so frustrating and makes me wanna eat the kitchen and all that is in it.  I am not sure what to do about little Lucy and her little wanna be satans...wait for the good to overcome evil I suppose.  But that is so hard!  Life lessons suck.  So here I am venting and hoping that one day I can forgive and forget about this fiasco and move on.  And not hit every drive thru window the rest of this week.

On a more positive note...I have not eaten the entire contents of the kitchen and I did not go overboard eating this weekend...even though I know that I don't have much (if any restriction) at all with my band. I know that next Monday will be the day that will change the future as Baby Lilly does her job the way she is supposed too. And helps me become the person that I want to become. Maybe I will also learn how to not be so controlling and let go and not try to fix everything.  This is going to be a long process. 

Oh and I did get a most wonderful comment from my daughter and my "adopted" daughter.  They said my face looked thinner today and that my jacket looked better cuz it was not tight anymore.  I can feel a difference in my clothes.  All a bonus. 

Now that I have vented, I don't need the refrigerator. And I don't need to be a bi&%$. That would be putting myself at the same level as Lucy and her mother. Right?? Only time will tell if I can be the better person and not let my inner Lucy take over.

May this week be better.

D

The Good Doctor

Today I went and saw the good doctor.  He is the "good doctor" because there are NO scales in his office. He is my ear specialist and he is the bomb diggity.  He was a bit of a meany because he had to dig around the tube in my ear and that made my ear ouchy. I did let out a tiny scream so the other patients would know that the room on the left was a torture room and to be happy they weren't placed in that room.  I did have lunch with my dear hubby afterwards and that made it a bit better.  I had my usual chicken salad while he noshed on chips and a brownie for dessert.  I am anxious about my upcoming "fill".   I want to feel a bit more restricted than I am now. I really feel like I can eat just about anything.  Yet I have not tempted the band goddess. As for my bands official name, I think I am going to keep the name Lilly (when she is being nice) and Lillian (when she is being not so nice).  Kind of like when your mom yells your entire name when you are in trouble. I may change her name to reflect a more "soprano-ish" kind of name.  I love the whole Italian thing...kind of jersey shore-ish. It could be that I am just jealous of their dark beautiful skin since I am a translucent pale white girl from the south.  I also like the idea of my lap-band coming from the country of Columbia.   So that would give "Lilly" a spanish accent like my friend Patricia.  I love listening to her talk. It is going to be another long tournament weekend...filled with nacho, pretzels, and hot dogs...I will be bringing my delish protein shakes to avoid the natural food disasters that await in the food courts of hell.  Here is to a food-tabulous weekend!

Please forgive me, It has been 17 days since my last post....

Hoping that I can be forgiven for not posting for 17 days!  What was I thinking? Things are going quite good.  I was released to real food after my post op follow up.  We were traveling the weekend that this happened and so my first "real meal" out was at Granite City Brewery. Unfortunately, it was horrible.  Walleye Fish...yuck.  But it went down fine and was the first non-mushy food I got to eat. So it will go down in history.  Finding lunch in this itty bitty town was like a scavenger hunt.  I ended up finding a place called DD's (next to the Red Roach Inn in El Dorado, KS). I got an over-cooked tiny $6 "loaded" baked potato.  Not sure what it was loaded with.  It does get tricky eating out those first few days.  Then I had grilled fish for dinner and something did not settle right...I think it may be sauces or spicy. Thank goodness for Maalox.  That is the dream med..keep it handy folks.  The week flew by and then we went out of town again. Back to El Dorado but stayed in Wichita.  We ate at Chilis and I ate my first BEEF item.  We shared the slider hamburger meal. I ate one baby slider. It was DELISH.  No problems with beef.  Hooray.  The cow God's were smiling on me.  I think the main thing is chewing.  I ate hamburger for dinner on the road after the tournament and it did not go down very well. Could be I ate too fast or it was too greasy.  Being on a toll road and no where to pull over.  It was sooo painful.  I had to fish in the suitcases for the Maalox.  Ahhh instant relief.  I'm gonna keep that in the car console from now on.  I will tell ya, real food does cause me to be GASSY.  And it isn't the silent kind.  So if you don't wanna poot in front of others, you are gonna be in some serious trouble.  You can be like a loaded gun at times.  


I finally started exercising (like for real).  And it went pretty good.  I'm 3 weeks post surgery and feel pretty good so I felt like I needed to get going since I am supposed to run/walk a 1/2 marathon in June. We have had unusually warm weather for KC this week so I got outside and walked for 40 minutes. Not sure how far that was but there was a huge-mongous hill that did almost kill me.  It is hard to believe that 3 short years ago I ran up that hill.  


My pants are looking a bit more baggy and one pair looks like a family of five could set up camp in them.  I like that a bunch.  The weight loss has slowed waaaay down and I am trying to get used to that.  I was getting used to the 1 lb a day loss.  So BE MENTALLY PREPARED.  I think it is because I'm am eating more "normal" foods and probably don't have much restriction.  I will get restricted on March 7th. The day after my Anniversary.


Overall, I am doing well and I am looking forward to March.


Small Victories:  
1. Loose Pants
2. Did not eat Cupcakes I made for girls.
3. Got off my butt and walked for exercise (but I have walked a lot while shopping)
4. Planning meals.
5. 1/4 of a way down to my goal weight! Whoo Hooo!

SNOWpalooza

Blizzard today.  And I am not talking about with M&M's at Dairy Queen.  Although, the word blizzard does make me want chocolate chip cookie dough to rain from the heavens and mix with the snow. But, it's not that kind of blizzard. Just the real midwest snow kind of blizzard. Which has me hankering for some comfort food...or some red velvet cupcakes. Strange how that happens. I have been doing so good and have not really thought about "bad" foods until today. I think part of it is that I really want "real" food.  Some stick to my ribs kind of food.  And not a mass quantity of any particular food.  Just something that is not pureed or liquified. Normal. I did read the fine print of the after surgery care instructions and maybe, just maybe, the good doc will let me try some real foods after Friday's appointment. I ate a rather large bowl of soup at 1:00PM and I am not hungry at all.  I say "rather large" because it was close to 1 full cup of soup.  I felt pretty dang full and was wondering if perhaps I had pushed the limit. But here it is 4:00PM and my tummy is not demanding to be fed.  I am not sure what is on the dinner menu this evening. Probably something that looks "pukish" and not very appetizing. 


To update you on my status. Painwise...almost non-existant. The thing that is bothering me the most is the tape on steri-strips. I am allergic to tape and by day 7 I am itchy as all get out. I am tempted to play doctor and rip the darn things off....I have been trying to use hydrocortisone cream to alleviate some of that itching but it is driving me crazy.  


Eating wise...I feel like I could probably eat just about anything...within reason...but still doing the puree/liquified stuff.  


We are going out of town this weekend and I won't be so in control of food choices and being able to make my own creations via my Magic Bullet so I am a bit concerned how all that is going to work out. That is why I am hoping that the doctor lets me venture out a bit and try some new foods.  I have to say that going out to eat scares me a bit. I love all the bad stuff and so the smells alone will probably make me a little sad and depressed.  Being at home, you have all the control over the foods and the smells.  We will be at a volleyball tourney in some small hick town in Western Kansas..doubt there will be much to choose from but I will do the best I can.


Will keep you updated from afar.


D

Warning: Info you may not wanna know. :)

Dear Friends,

I feel like I should write this letter so that you can be fully aware of what "may" happen in this stage of recovery. Yes, it is graphic and not so pretty, but it can happen.  Mr. and Mrs. Brown do not want to go swimming in the porcelain pool.  Yup.  I didn't think it would happen to me because when I had my hysterectomy I did not have this terrible affliction.  I thought it only belonged to the weak.  Yet, day 5 has produced this phenomena.  I will have to turn to the mighty red pill to "relax" the Brown's in hopes that they will be happy to swim among friends. 

I have enjoyed eating real food.  Even though my dear daughter referred to last nights dinner as "barf".  And she even did a gagging noise like it was going to make her mercy puke on the spot.  I do have to admit it did not look pretty, but I guess that is what it looks like in it's final destination anyway. I am just helping it along.  It was mac and cheese...nothing green or anything.  When I was released from the prison of clear liquids, my creative juices got flowing. My first "meal" was pureed baked potato soup. Delish by all accounts.  This morning I noshed on grits.  Cooked, not instant, and they were fabulous with lots of salt and butter.  MMMM...If you ware wondering how much I can eat at a time. Well, really there is no restriction and I just start to get "burpy".  That's when I think the tank is getting full and I stop. It is about 1/2 cup of whatever I am eating.  That meal will last approximately 2-3 hours and then the tummy starts to rumble again.  I imagine when I start eating "even more real" food, I should be able to go longer in between.  Like today's menu looks like this. 

8:00AM - 1/2 cup cooked grits

11:00AM - 1 cup apple juice

12:00PM - 1 cup milk

12:30PM - 1/2 cup Panera Broccoli Cheddar Soup

 3:00PM - Sugar Free Fat Free Banana Pudding

5:00PM - 1/2 cup cran-grape juice

6:30PM-1 cup milk

7:00PM- 1/2 cup pureed lasagna with meat sauce  

I am trying to eat at least 800 calories a day and want to be up to at least 1200 so I will not be in starvation mode and will be getting the nutrients I need to successfully lose weight and not lose my hair and skin tone due to lack of nutrients.

Pain wise I would say it is much easier...did not take any pain meds (over the counter or otherwise) today.  I am starting to get "itchy" because my incisions are healing.  I wanna scratch them. I feel more "pain" in the morning. I understand what they say about feeling tight. I actually can feel the port.  It's like it gets kind of stuck in a position (like you sleep on it wrong) and then it works it's way back into position when you get up and moving.  I can pretty much bend over now and put my own socks and shoes on. Yup, you read that right. No pain. whoo hooo!  I still get winded so I have to take it easy when getting ready.  But even that is much better.

Overall, things are moving along. I still have not lost any weight post surgery. Which is a bummer but I truly believe that things slow down when there is no fuel to process.  I heard another bander say that they did not start losing again until they were eating real food again. 

Take care everyone,

D

Want some ReAL food NOW!

Ok. Here is the skinny. I am still on this liquid phase of the "after surgery diet". I did eat some Cream of Chicken soup (strained) and liquified with milk. It was sooo good. It tasted real. I do not like chicken broth and I know that is what I am supposed to be eating but broth is not tasty.  It went down fine and I ate about a half a cup full. I have had 2 juices today along with 2 protein shakes. I jazzed one of the shakes up with Strawberry extract flavoring.  It was pretty good.  


I woke up a bit congested and that had me worried. So I have started taking Mucinex (children's liquid formula). I think it is breaking stuff up.  Which is good. Don't want any infection or pnemonia. Yuck.  Also started taking Vitamin C (chewable) with a Flintstone chewable vitamin and Citracel Calcium. They are a bit large, so I used a pill cutter to make them easier to swallow. I think I am going to use Bariatric Advantage chewable calcium in the future to keep from having to take that chunky pill.


I have be looking at lapbandtalk.com for information and ideas.  Some people are so positive and seem to have lost a lot of weight and some are so negative. Seems like the bread issue is not universal and it probably depends on the tightness of your band.  There was a huge discussion on Subway sandwiches.  To eat or not to eat. My guess is not to eat. Why have this surgery if you are just going to try to eat the things that made you fat in the first place? I know it is also portion size but bread really is the enemy. You can get carbs from other sources. Maybe I will think differently as time goes on. Right now I am focused on soft foods. I can already taste the baked potato soup I want (pureed of course) and maybe some mac and cheese (pureed). There are some really good healthy recipes that will make them calorie friendly.  Yummy.


No pain meds at all today. I feel quite good about that.  It still hurts to take big breaths in and move around in the bed but for the most part it is better.  I get so winded doing so little tho. I HATE that. I did get the house picked up today and moved around some more.  I plan on moving more tomorrow. Perhaps taking a short shopping trip just to get out of the house and get moving more. I want to be able to walk 30 minutes in 2 weeks.  Which sounds pathetic I know but when you are winded just walking around the house, that seems like quite a milestone. I have the big picture in mind when I think about the 1/2 Marathon I am supposed to be running.  Running is out of the question but I think walking is very do-able. If, and only if, I stay on track.  


I think everything is moving as it is supposed to be.  Wondering if eating solid food will be hard? I can feel the liquid move through me and sometimes it does seem to stand in the chest for a bit before gurgling down. That is going to take some getting used too.  
But I don't feel the band or the port at all.  


Here's counting the days to soft foods and less hunger.


QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends."

— Unknown     

So True!

The Day After

Slept pretty good.  Very tender to turn in bed but I don't like staying in one position.  I just used Dear Hubby as a tree to grab onto.  He didn't say much but he must have loved me tugging on him throughout the night.  I only took the pain meds when I went to bed and then I took some in the morning before I took a shower and got up and around.  I was pretty stiff.  It is much more painful today than yesterday.  Not like terrible pain but it feels like I have been in a fight with Rocky Balboa.  I took a shower and that made me feel a thousand times better.  

For food, I drank one of my protein shakes. It was delish. I drank it slow so it would not cause too much gas or bloating.  After eating, I took Maalox.  aka: liquid chalk.  I tried my hand at crocheting again and have decided I am much to old to learn this new trick.  

As for activity, I got up and around and unloaded the dishwasher and straightened up the living room. I do get a bit winded but I guess any activity is gonna be a little different than before.


Tonight I got out and about and went to dear daughters volleyball practice. It was nice seeing everyone. I hate being cooped up all day.  Drank another protein shake for dinner/lunch and I'm drinking a cran-apple juice before bed with some water.  I want to 
stay hydrated.  I can't wait till I can eat soft food on Sunday..will take some of this food boredom away.


Hope this helps everyone to know what to expect. I know everyone is different.  


D

SuRGerY DaY!!!

The run down of what happened today.  I woke up at 5AM to get ready for the big event.  We left at 5:45AM to make it to New Hope Bariatric by 6:30AM.  I got there and saw some familiar nurse faces.  They were so nice.  Pat, from New Jersey, was my nurse.  She was so nice.  They try to keep you from being nervous as a cat but for me that was an impossible job. The worse part in the beginning was the shot they give you to keep from getting blood clots.  It is so painful. I did actually kind of sound like a pig squealing when she injected me.  OUCH.  But it goes away after awhile. Then they get the IV's going.  They don't give you the happy meds to calm you until you go back to surgery. Then I went nighty, nighty.  When I woke up my chest hurt so bad. It hurt to breathe.  The gas is killer.  It causes the most pain.  But I also had a hernia that I was not aware of that needed to be repaired so that causes the other extreme chest pain.  So sit up as soon as you can!  That really helps.  Before I was released they made me go potty and they do this cool barium test.  You get to see the fluid move through your band.  I wish I would have had my video.  Oh and the liquid pain meds they give you are awful.  I had them add grape to hopefully make it taste better. I also took Maalox as soon as I got home to help with the gas pain and it really helps so invest in that too.  I have been drinking pretty steady.  Small amounts but it keeps the hunger at bay and keeps me hydrated.  I am loving the cranberry-apple juice.  Refreshing and delish.  

I was listening to my ipod and taking pics by 11:00AM and up walking around. My incisions are little and they are able to use one of the other sites to repair the hernia.  I was in my own bed at home by 3PM updating Facebook and watching Pretty Little Liars. My guilty pleasure.

I feel so blessed by all the prayers and friends supporting me in my journey. One day I will get the nerve to share that I have a blog.  

Hugs to all....  

 

The Night Before...and it isn't Christmas.

Ok folks, I am having some serious doubts. Like what in the heck am I thinking? This is too real.  I know I have had several doctors (3 to be exact) that have recommended this surgery. I guess 4 if you count the first fat doctor I went too.  So that is 4...and I don't think they would have recommended it if a) they didn't think I would benefit from it. b) if they felt the risks outweighed the positive result. c) that I am a good candidate for the surgery.  Right?  It's not like I just asked 1 doctor. I asked 3 +1 more but the 1 more kind of had a reason to say yes since he was going to be the one performing the surgery. Wait, actually there were 5 doctors that said yes.  I know it sounds a bit like overkill but I just could not help it.  It's a compulsion.


Anyway, the clear liquid diet the day before is not that bad.  Again, amazingly enough, I do not have a migraine. Crazy. My stomach really has not growled much or given me much fits. I did not succumb to my Sprite addiction even though I knew it was allowed and would the last time Sprite crossed my lips. I felt like if I drank it, it would be like having to start all over again going off of it.  And that was too much for me to put my brain around.  My diet today consisted of 1 apple juice, 2 diet gatorades and 1 water...crazy huh...like where is that headache and that grouchy feeling I used to get.  Like now, my tummy is making it's growling noises but it is like I am used to it now that it really does not bother me.  


I have some fabulous friends that are going to take care of meals for my dear hubby and dear daughter during the next few weeks so I don't have to try to feed them when I am not able to eat food.  How wonderful is that? I have prepared a bit by getting social suppers in the freezer for when hubby and daughter are on their own for dinner.  I planned for that awhile back. I love 
Social Suppers.  


Getting up at 5AM is a bit of a stretch for me...I'm not a working gal and the thought of getting up that early seems a bit insane. My dear daughter did ask me to please "do my hair" so that I don't look so bad when she gets home from school.  I told her that I would not be wearing any make-up.  She said that was fine. She will put it on me when she gets home.  Gotta love her!


I just need to go to sleep and relax..although, I am finding that hard to do at this point.  So much on my mind...like food.  


No more biscuits & gravy, pancakes and sausage, home-made monkey bread, yummy thanksgiving yeast rolls that melt in your mouth...I can do this.  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I know I will be saying that a thousand times tomorrow.


Tootles to all and I will update if I can tomorrow after Lilly the Lapband is part of our family.  My friend has dedicated an old Spinners song on my behalf...Rubberband Man.  Love it!


D